Unintended, Unwanted Results

The unintended, unwanted results we get are often the result of how we communicate.

Background

I was having coffee with a friend who told me that she had informed her husband that she wasn’t going to do a task he wanted done. She said: He shut down completely, turned and walked away…without giving me a chance to explain why.

Communication ➠ Unintended, unwanted result

I chuckled as I listened to her dismay over her husband’s reaction. I was chuckling because I recalled times when I’d done the same thing and gotten the same unintended, unwanted result.

Avoiding unintended, unwanted results

I responded saying: In journalistic terms, you’re burying the lede. You should lead with what you intend to do and why it’s important; then share the fact that you couldn’t do both in the same day so you were postponing the task he wanted done. That way he could see the benefits of what you proposed to do AND hear you say that you weren’t ignoring his wishes, just postponing them for a day. Odds are he’d have accepted your decision and supported it.

How we respond vs how we should respond

It’s natural to take someone’s telling us what they will, or won’t, do personally…especially when their decision is contrary to what we want. Our natural reactions are:

• My needs aren’t important.
• The person doesn’t care about me.
• They’re being lazy.
• They’re being stubborn.
• They’re self-centered…only caring about themselves.

These are harsh judgments, made without evidence; borne of our own egocentrism. We are only entertaining thoughts of what we want, not what impact our wants are imposing on the other party.

As a result, our response is often to shut down or launch a personal attack on the other party. Neither approach moves us forward. Indeed, they both slow our progress until our emotions wane and we realize that we overreacted, ask forgiveness and open the door to constructive dialogue. That’s a lot of wasted time and energy for all involved.

It’s counterintuitive, but if we respond with curiosity instead of personal hurt, we dramatically shorten the timeframe for getting the result we desire while saving all parties involved a lot of time, energy and emotional distress.

Takeaways

When delivering news you know the other party doesn’t want to hear, share:

• What you intend to do.
• Why it’s beneficial to all parties involved.
• When you expect to deliver what they requested.

When you’re the recipient of news you don’t want to hear (when the lede gets buried), become curious. Ask why the person is moving away from a previously-agreed-upon course of action. Often they have a very good reason for doing so.

If you don’t agree with their rationale, the two of you can explore alternatives (more curiosity}that might accelerate attainment of what you both desire.

These approaches can dramatically decrease the number of times you experience unintended, unwanted results.

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Resources

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