Listening: For What?

Over the years we’ve repeatedly been told to hone our listening skills, but listening for what?

There are three things that I listen for when interacting with others:

• Understanding
• Clarity
• Dichotomy

Let’s explore each of these in more detail.

Understanding

Years ago a friend shed light on one of the most insightful pieces of wisdom that I ever heard. She said: “Each of us has our own dictionary. The definitions in our dictionary are based upon our life experiences.”

When we’re engaged in conversation, our natural tendency is to presume that the language we’re using has the same meaning to the other person as it does for us. Nothing can be further from the truth.

In identifying my ideal customer, I say I’m looking for someone who is honest. Then I go onto define honest as being someone who is honest with themselves about what they’re good at and where they need help.

If I didn’t add that definition, the listener might think that honest means someone who:

• Let’s restaurant wait staff know that they’ve forgotten to charge for a portion of the meal.
• Doesn’t inflate their resume.
• Readily admits their mistake.
• Doesn’t cheat on a test or in a competitive event.

And these are only a few alternative definitions of honest.

When we’re listening to others, it’s essential that we gain a clear understanding of the terms they’re using. That means we have to ask what they mean when they use a term that could have multiple definitions depending on the situation.

Sometimes we can get understanding from the context of the conversation, but often people us language that is vague because:

• They don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings.
• They’re having trouble facing the truth about the situation.
• They’re unsure of the source of their discomfort.

Whatever the reason, if they’re using language that could be interpreted in multiple ways, you need to ask what they mean when they use that term. When you know that you both are using the same definition, you are listening effectively.

Clarity

I’ve been told that I frequently paraphrase what’s been said. The people telling me that say that my paraphrasing makes the conversation smoother and more effective.

There are a number of reasons why I paraphrase:

• To let the person know that I understand what they’re saying..
• To clarify what the person said.
• To lay the foundation for insights that might be helpful to the person.

Paraphrasing, assuming I do understand what the person is saying, let’s them know that I’m listening and understanding what they’re saying…whether I agree or not.

I often paraphrase what was said when I believe that I understand what the person is saying better than they do. Often listeners will say to me: “Yes, that’s what I meant. You just said it more eloquently than I did.” My goal in using paraphrasing in these situations is to help the person gain greater clarity about what they really want. The more clearly they communicate what they desire, the more likely they are to get it.

My personal mission in life is to leave others better off than they were before we met. That often involves offering an insight that helps them either solve a problem or accelerate the attainment of a dream. In order to do that I have to gain clarity about what they want. By paraphrasing the problem they describe or the dream they have, I’m able to more effectively fulfill my mission, i.e. be more effective in offering helpful insights.

The third thing I listen for is dichotomy.

Dichotomy

Specifically, what I’m listening for is dichotomy between words and actions. If the person’s words and actions aren’t aligned, then I have to question what they really want. As I said in an earlier post, actions are the only honest (reliable) language.

A person’s actions enable me to help them realize that what they say they want isn’t really as important to them as they’d like to think or that there is some subconscious fear that prevents them from pursuing what they want. Either way, I need to get to the reasons why they aren’t acting in congruence with their words in order to be able to help them.

I’ve learned that when I listen with these three objectives in mind, I’m much more effective in accomplishing my mission of leaving everyone I meet better off than before we met.

Takeaways

Become a more effective listener by listening for three things:

• Understanding
• Clarity
• Dichotomy

Understanding comes from making sure that you both are using the same definition for the language being employed.

Clarity is gained by paraphrasing what’s been said. In doing so, you assure that:

• The person knows that you’re not just listening, but understanding what they’re saying.
• You’re helping the person clarify their own thinking.
• You’re enhancing your ability to offer useful insights.

Listening for dichotomy, the lack of alignment between words and actions, enables you to help the person understand why they’re not getting the result they desire. Then, putting them on the path to achieve what they desire.

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