In a podcast, Belgian psychotherapist, Esther Perel, said “language shapes the experience.”
This isn’t a new concept, neurolinguistic programming (NLP) is a science that demonstrates how language directs behavior.
Ms. Perel’s comments around her expression struck me because it added the dimension of suspending judgment, which is an element of my second-level confidence course, Converting Confidence Into Influence And Opportunity.
Language Shapes The Experience
Here’s an example that validates Ms. Perel’s statement that “language shapes the experience” and demonstrates the importance of suspending judgment.
The moment you judge something that happened to you as good or bad, you’ve shaped the experience. If you judged it bad, you just placed yourself in the role of a victim. Something happened to you that isn’t right, fair or deserved.
An alternative is to judge it as a good thing…something that you hope to experience again in the future. In doing so, you set the expectation, or at least hope, that it’ll occur again. You may even try to trigger its recurrence. If you do, you’re setting yourself up for future disappointment which is often accompanied by a victim experience.
The third alternative is to accept the experience as something with which you have to deal. In the process of dealing with it, you’re more attuned to what you learn from the experience and how that lesson will benefit you in the future.
Judging people as good or bad produces similar results. When we judge a behavior as bad, we often assume that the person behaving that way is bad. Consequently, we overlook any and all good acts they perform and often do our best to avoid associating with that person.
An alternative is to judge people as good based on a behavior that affirms one our values. This approach tends to cause us to overlook persistent behaviors which are contrary to other values we possess. In doing so, we encourage them to continue behaviors that are not in our, their or anyone else’s best interests.
The third alternative is not to judge the person as good or bad, but to help them become aware of their behaviors and the impact, whether helpful or diminishing, their behaviors are having on others. With this approach, our counsel is often received as helpful, not critical; thus enriching the lives of the person and all with whom they interact in the future.
Abraham Lincoln is credited with having said “I don’t like that man. I need to get to know him better.” Implicit in that experience-shaping language is awareness that nothing is as black and white as we’d like it to be…that judging without exploration is a recipe for errant action…that we have the power to explore and embrace, when we learn to set aside judgment.
Takeaways
Esther Perel says language shapes the experience. NLP, neurolinguistic programming, says language directs behavior. In my experience, both are true. When we choose not to judge, and we speak the language of gain, an NLP concept, our lives become richer, easier and more joyful…benefits I know each of you will enjoy as you enhance your ability to employ positive language consistently in your lives.
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Resources
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