Language: Problematic Assumptions?

Are the communication problems you’re having the result of assumptions you’re making about the language being used?

Background

A friend of mine shared a brilliant insight with me when she said: “Each of us comes with our own dictionary The definitions in our dictionary depend upon our experiences.”

Avoiding language problems

This amazing insight led me to ask more frequently: What do you mean when you say…? It’s in understanding their meaning of a word that I find a path to mutually-beneficial results.

Using avoiding language

I’m not suggesting that you question every word spoken…that would be tedious, annoying and protract discussions well beyond efficacy. Inquiry into what a word means is only important when:

• You’re not sure what the person is saying…you feel the need for clarity.
• The other party objects to what you’re saying indicating that an assumption you made about their definition of a word is inaccurate.
• The other party is struggling to communicate their thoughts.
• You suspect that the real issue is hidden beneath the language they’re using.

Examples

When someone says “I need…”, do they mean that it’s essential or preferred? There a huge difference between a necessity and nice to have.

My wife and I repeatedly confuse one another when discussing location in relation to our camping trailer. To me, the front is where the door is. To her, the front is where the tongue of the trailer is. We both know this, yet repeatedly fall into the trap of assuming the other person is using our definition of front. We’ve both learned to question what front means whenever we’re discussing location in relation to the trailer.

“I’m not sure what I’m trying to say, I’m not clear about what I really want, I’m confused about [whatever]” are phrases that let us know that the person is struggling to understand their own thoughts which means it’s a good time to ask for definitions of the terms they’re using.

“I can’t get my employees to do what I want” implies that employees are problematic. Further discussion often leads to the comment: “I can’t get my kids to do what I want either.” The hidden problem is in how the person, in both their employer and their parent roles, is not communicating in a way that encourages others to comply with his requests. This insight opens the door to questioning how they communicate their expectations.

These are a few indicators of when to ask: What do you mean when you say…?

Takeaways

Many of our communication problems can be traced to the assumption that both parties are using the same definition for the word that was used.

You can avoid these assumptions by asking: What do you mean when you say…?

Use the question, What do you mean when you say…? only when:

• You’re not sure what the person is saying…you feel the need for clarity.
• The other party objects to what you’re saying indicating that an assumption you made about their definition of a word is inaccurate.
• The other party is struggling to communicate their thoughts.
• You suspect that the real issue is hidden beneath the language they’re using.

Otherwise you’ll unnecessarily protract every discussion you have.

Understanding the other party’s definition of a term enables you both to reach a mutually-beneficial result more quickly.

All it takes is a little practice and you’ll avoid the problematic assumptions associated with language.

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Resources

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