Dichotomy: Friend or Foe?

Is dichotomy your friend or foe in your dealings with others?

Many people, upon observing dichotomy between what a person says and what they’re doing, experiences confusion. Do I believe what they said or what they’re doing? Which is the more reliable indicator of the direction I should take in my dealings with them?

This confusion leads to frustration as one attempt after another is rejected by the party with whom you’re interacting. Why? Because the person isn’t aware that there is a dichotomy between what they’re saying and doing. Here are a couple examples to illustrate this point.

Examples

A man I was mentoring stated that he was fed up with the long hours and lack of appreciation from his large-corporation employer. During our second visit, he told me that he had sent his resume to several large corporations. I asked him why, when he had told me in our previous visit that he wanted to own his own business so that he’d have more time with family.

He wasn’t aware that he was acting contrary to his stated goal. It wasn’t until my question made him aware of the dichotomy between his words and actions that he was able to focus his efforts on what he really wanted: the ability to control his own schedule so that he could spend more time with his family.

A woman that I met at a networking event had just established her company. The company name she’d chosen included what she was doing. Then she told me that what she was doing isn’t what she wanted to do. I asked her: Why did you include that in your company name when it’s not what you intend to do?

Her response was: I told hundreds of people what my company name is and what I wanted to do, yet no one pointed out the dichotomy between the two. She immediately created a DBA, doing business as, name to more clearly communicate the service she intended to provide.

Friend or foe?

Dichotomy is a foe when we’re not aware of its existence. As in the examples above, it results in our acting contrary to our stated goals…which delays the attainment of what we truly desire. This lack of awareness is often the result of our subconscious struggle between the familiar, what we’ve been doing, and our new interest. The emotions involved in this struggle cloud our vision making it difficult to see the dichotomy.

Dichotomy is a friend when, as listeners, we listen for the dichotomy for it’s in the dichotomy that the real issues, and solutions, reside. When we use that dichotomy to make the person we’re dealing with aware of the dichotomy, we open their eyes to what they really want and accelerate their attainment of what they desire.

We also open their eyes so that they can see dichotomy more quickly on their own. A few visits after I made the man I was mentoring aware of the dichotomy between his words and actions, he said: Dale, I was awake all night last night trying to figure out how I was going to explain what I did when I realized that it wasn’t congruent with what I was trying to accomplish. He said, I could hear your voice in my head asking: Why did you do that?

My initial reaction was: That sounds nightmarish, having my voice in your head all night. But, honestly, I was thrilled that he was able to spot the dichotomy on his own and act on it accordingly.

The key to making dichotomy a perpetual friend is to regularly ask yourself: Are my actions congruent with my words, with what I say that I want? As you become aware of dichotomy between your words and actions, you can make conscious choices to follow either your actions or your words based on which will produce the desired result. In doing so, you’ll accelerate the attainment of whatever your desire.

Takeaways

Develop the habit of examining what you’re saying versus what you’re doing. You can do that by asking yourself: Is what I’m doing going to get me what I say that I want? In fact, starting your day asking yourself is what I intend to do today congruent with my stated desire, is a great way to assure congruency before you act.

At the end of the day, shortly before retiring, review your day twice. During the first review ask yourself: When were my words and actions in alignment? In other words, when during the day was I successful in being congruent between my words and actions?

During the second review, ask yourself: When did my words and actions diverge? What caused me to diverge? How do I prevent that from happening again? In other words, how can I avoid acting in a dichotomous fashion?

The more quickly you identify dichotomy between your words and actions, the more successful you’ll become, both in terms of helping yourself and others. That’s when dichotomy becomes a truly valuable friend.

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Resources

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