Behavior: A Language?

Many noted psychologists say that behavior is a language. I modify that statement saying that behavior is the honest, unspoken language.

Honest

When words and actions are incongruent, it’s actions (behaviors) that are honest expressions of the person’s intent. I can say that I intend to lose weight, but unless I alter my eating habits and begin exercising, I’m expressing a wish…I wish I could lose weight. There is no intent in a wish or in hoping.

I can say that I’m a confident person, but unless I admit my vulnerabilities…my fears, anxiety and frustration, I’m not really confident.

If I attempt to manipulate another’s behavior for my benefit, I can’t claim to be a caring person. I could, but I wouldn’t be honest in saying so.

Unspoken

As indicated in the examples above, what’s being spoken is not what the person honestly intends. Their real intent remains unspoken which can make it difficult to decide on a course of action in dealing with this person.

I’m not suggesting that we can’t trust anything a person says. I’m saying that we can’t trust what they’re saying when their behaviors are not congruent with what’s being spoken. In these situations, we have to rely on behaviors to gain an understanding of what the person is thinking and what future behaviors to expect of them.

You may be wondering “How do I use this insight?”

Takeaway

In your dealings with others, pay attention to whether their words and behaviors are congruent. If they’re not, trust the behaviors. Then address the lack of congruency candidly, but without judgment. Here’s an example to illustrate my point.

I was mentoring an individual who was tired of the ungodly hours in the large corporation that employed him. He also bemoaned the fact that his involvement in the company was much more limited than he liked. He wanted a broader array of involvement, more autonomy in performing his job and more time for his family.

After having told me this, he submitted his resume to other large corporations. When I asked him why he submitted his resume to similarly structured companies, he admitted that he wasn’t sure why.

In a subsequent mentoring session, he told me that he’d had a sleepless night because he’d again sent resumes to large corporations and he was trying to come up with an explanation because he knew I was going to ask him why he had done that.

The beauty of this is that he now was aware of the lack of congruency between his words and actions… enabling him to change his behavior. Awareness is the first step in effecting change.

This protege ultimately started a management consulting business which affords him a variety of challenges, autonomy in performing his work and the family time he desires. He told me that he’s never been happier.

Would he have found this solution had I not pointed out the lack of congruency between his words and behaviors? Possibly, but I believe that it would have taken him much longer to get there had I not pointed it out to him.

Notice that I did not judge his actions in submitting resumes to large corporations. Instead, I merely pointed out that what he was doing was not what he said that he wanted. No judgment; just a factual observation.

You can be of tremendous help to all you meet when you listen for lack of congruency between their words and behaviors, then point out the lack of congruency to them. More often than not the person doesn’t realize that the two are incongruent.

In other words, they’re not being intentionally dishonest; they’re simply unaware. Helping them gain awareness will help them become clear about what they really want, which will accelerate their achievement of what they desire.

That’s a lot of benefit from realizing that behavior is the honest, unspoken language.

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